Monthly Archives: July 2007

How to Catch a LION

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How to Catch a LION

Newton ‘s Method:

Let, the lion catch you.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.

Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.

Now you can trap it easily.

Police Method:

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .

Karan Johar Method (director):

Send a lioness into the forest.

Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.

Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.

First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.

But 2nd lioness loves both lions.

Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.

You don’t understand right… ok….read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Yash Chopra method (director):

Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:

Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

George bush method:

Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.

If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

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Where to tap!

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Where to tap !

 

Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed? The ship’s owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

 

Two of the ship’s owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

 

“What?!” the owners exclaimed. ” He hardly did anything!”

 

So they wrote the old man a note saying, “Please send us an itemized bill.”

 

The man sent a bill that read:

 

Tapping with a hammer … $    2.00

Knowing where to …….. $ 9998.00


Moral:

 

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference .

10 Things I Hate About You

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I hate the way you talk to me,

And the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you drive my car,

I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb combat boots

And the way you read my mind

I hate you so much it makes me sick

It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you’re always right,

I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh,

Even worse when you make me cry

I hate it that you are not around,

And the fact that you didn’t call

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you

Not even close, not even a little bit,

Not even at all…

NOTICE OF A COMPANY TO ALL EMPLOYEES

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[A circular was found in one of the office notice boards]
Dear STAFF,
Please  be  advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to
raise the efficiency of our firm.
______________________________

______________________________________________________________________

1) TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a)  If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially
and therefore you do not need a raise.
b)  If  you  drive  a  10  year old car or taking public transportation, we
assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c)  If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.

2) ANNUAL LEAVE:
Each  employee  will  receive  52  Annual  Leave  days  a year (Wow! said 1
employee).
– They are called SUNDAYs.

3) LUNCH BREAK:
a)  Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.
b)  Normal  size  people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
c)  Fat  people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

4) SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
– If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

5) TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b)  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c)  After  your  second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
d)  Subsequent  pictures  will be sold at public auctions to raise money to
pay your salary.

6) SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
– You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
– To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

7) INTERNET USAGE:
All  personal  Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted
from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will
be deducted from your salary.

–  Important  Note:  Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have
4MB connection.

Just  for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary
for  next  3  months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months
salary.

Thank  you  for  your  loyalty  to  our  company.  We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.

Therefore,  all  questions,  comments,  concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations,    aggravations,   insinuations,   allegations,   accusations,
contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.