NOTICE OF A COMPANY TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Standard

[A circular was found in one of the office notice boards]
Dear STAFF,
Please  be  advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to
raise the efficiency of our firm.
______________________________

______________________________________________________________________

1) TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a)  If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially
and therefore you do not need a raise.
b)  If  you  drive  a  10  year old car or taking public transportation, we
assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c)  If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.

2) ANNUAL LEAVE:
Each  employee  will  receive  52  Annual  Leave  days  a year (Wow! said 1
employee).
– They are called SUNDAYs.

3) LUNCH BREAK:
a)  Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.
b)  Normal  size  people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
c)  Fat  people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

4) SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
– If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

5) TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b)  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c)  After  your  second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
d)  Subsequent  pictures  will be sold at public auctions to raise money to
pay your salary.

6) SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
– You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
– To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

7) INTERNET USAGE:
All  personal  Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted
from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will
be deducted from your salary.

–  Important  Note:  Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have
4MB connection.

Just  for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary
for  next  3  months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months
salary.

Thank  you  for  your  loyalty  to  our  company.  We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.

Therefore,  all  questions,  comments,  concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations,    aggravations,   insinuations,   allegations,   accusations,
contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

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